Turkeys vs. Penguins: Ultimate Showdown

I have received a request for posts on each of these flightless dinosaurs birds, so my laziness ingenuity demands that I exposè both of them simultaneously. Their roots and lack of something that makes birds birds being as similar as they are only exacerbates the futility in taking the comparison any further.

Turkeys: Their transformation from wild and wily semi-flying woodland foul to mentally handicapped and frequently suicidal farm-pigeons is both fascinating and horrifying. I know that domesticated animals lose most of their wilder instincts, but the scale on which these tasty walkers change once they are tended by humans is ridiculous. The myth that turkeys will drown during a heavy rain is not true, but has a grain of truth stuck in it, much like the dressing during Turkeypocalypse. There are death related incidents involving turkeys and descending liquids, but it is instead because these farm turkeys lack the basic survival instinct to seek shelter during a storm, and thus die to the elements and exposure. Way to go.

Adding to the mess that is their gene sequence, some young turkeys won't catch on that they should eat food left out for them and sometimes die from starvation. Farmers do their best to make the food more attractive looking by garnishing it with bits of foil [no shit] or by dying the food green, to appeal to the young turkeys love of shiny things. And sometimes, this STILL doesn't work. They have officially lost my respect as a creature we should care about [not that i was leaning on that fence much] beyond their ability to make us a tasty meal as well as a sedative. I place them right up there with chickens [which apparently don't need heads to operate] and the only animal you can hunt with a hammer, cows.

So, please don't feel any remorse when you bite into your cooked farm-pidgeon this thursday, as apparently any semblance of a creature worth mourning the loss of has left the building.

Penguins: You've got to hand it to them [even tho they don't have hands], they know how to persevere. Harsh environment + inability to fly or do any kind of useful movements = tuxedo bird? Apparently. If i were the entire penguin species, I probably would have given up a long time ago. They have to hold their eggs with their feet?? Or they might die? Wtf is that?

I mean, they are some pretty bad-ass belly sliders upon, but coupled with elite swimming ability in an ocean where everything can eat you does not for an awesome creature make. I think God made them on a drunken bender along with duck-billed platypi and walrus', then decided they should at least entertain him and dressed them to the nines for all eternity. Plus, when you have a documentary done about you with Morgan Freeman as narrator, it can't all be bad.

If I were ever to complete my goal of being an awesome super villain, and I decided to have a base in penguin land, I would definitely train them and keep them as butlers. It would be best for them, and me! I could provide carpets to walk around upon, so if the dropped their eggs, they could just look around, shrug, and pick them back up all Pele style and go about their business. Ahh yes, life would be good....

Lesson learned in this post? If you are sans turkey this Thanksgiving holiday, penguin would not be an adequate substitute. They are way different!

John's Advice for the week: you can sit backwards on the toilet to use the tank as a desk/table/pillow to maximize your efficiency!