I'm not referring to the 1980's. Why would I write about that? VH1 pretty much covered all the highlights. I'm talking about the year 2062. The future! [unless you are reading this sometime in or past 2062, in which case, you already know all this stuff, so quit listening to the holo-laser dictation and go spacesurfing or whatever] And also, coincidentally, the year I turn into an octogenarian.
You mean like one of those octopus doctors??
No, Cooper, like a person who has completed the not so trivial accomplishment of living up to and thru their 80th birthday! *Future hi five!* The only thing I am mad at my future self about is that they haven't tried to contact me via Time-Phone™ to tell me not to do the stupid things I am most definitely going to do. Altho... if I were me (which I am, sometimes), I would probably NOT tell my past self about any mistakes to be made, because 1) it is probably hilarious to watch, and 2) if I were to alter any of those formative events, I wouldn't turn out as awesome as I think I am going to turn out. Brain asplode yet? Good.
Okay, but time altering paradoxes aside, it is going to be sweet to be 80. I can't say I know what the future holds as far as technology is concerned, but I can promise it will be fun. At the rate scientists are inventing things based on science fiction movies, we should all have personal force fields and be kwisatz haderachs by 2062 (seriously, have we not figured out which spice is melange yet?). But barring all that, I am at least hoping for some awesome joint/limb replacement technology. Seriously, I am turning 30 in a week, and I have found myself enthralled by recent commercials [not sure how, I don't watch regular TV] about joint health and replacement surgeries. I once was resting myself in the water closet at a customers house, reading an article in a readily available magazine, thoroughly digging the information held within, and finished said article before realizing I was thumbing thru a copy of AARP. I would have cried some, but I think my tear ducts went before my knees.
People reading this article that are older than my current incarnation (in which i hope there are a lot of you, because young people are commonly too spastic these days to read a whole one of these), please don't think that I think that 30 is old, I don't. I am looking forward to leaving my nefarious and painful twenty's behind like that one crippled frontier child you agreed upon beforehand to leave behind in case of a swift and terrible Indian raid. I am poised to turn and give the beauty pageant wave to all the growing pains and gains (more the former than the latter) of my "learning years", ready to embark on what promises to be a glorious and inescapable future. What I am saying is that i FEEL old, like physically. Between missing parts in one knee, early onset arthritis, abused stereocilia [the hairs in your ear that allow you to hear a range of frequencies, and also an awesome band name (already taken)], and already having one rare form of bone spur removed from my now partially numb left arm before I hit college, I feel OLD.
So I look to the future with a hope that technology can keep up with the systematic degradation of this mortal vessel. Oh the wonders that shall befall us! Nano-machines that we will eat out of pudding cups that will stitch our bones and ligaments back together again? Instantly replicated replacement organs for victims of accidents? Flash animation tattoos? (Ok that one isn't medically relevant in any way, but damn if it wouldn't be cool) As the current generation grows up and takes over the sciences, they look at everything with eyes more open than their predecessors. They were raised on movies and shows with fantastical inventions and ideas. They think so far outside the modernly conceived idea of a box that it's safer to presume they live entirely outside this box, looking into it from time to time only to scoff at it's dimensions and limitations.
Technology is an exponentially growing thing, an entity that enraptures us as a civilization, and on which we have built our pillars upon. It can take us to great heights, or ultimately to our doom, as is subject in the incredible future-documentary The Matrix. I will have to sift through these documentaries in search of more future information to divulge to you all. So until then, see you in the future! (except you, killer robots, we will be destroying and overcoming your tyrannous rule)
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Turkeys vs. Penguins: Ultimate Showdown
I have received a request for posts on each of these flightless dinosaurs birds, so my laziness ingenuity demands that I exposè both of them simultaneously. Their roots and lack of something that makes birds birds being as similar as they are only exacerbates the futility in taking the comparison any further.
Turkeys: Their transformation from wild and wily semi-flying woodland foul to mentally handicapped and frequently suicidal farm-pigeons is both fascinating and horrifying. I know that domesticated animals lose most of their wilder instincts, but the scale on which these tasty walkers change once they are tended by humans is ridiculous. The myth that turkeys will drown during a heavy rain is not true, but has a grain of truth stuck in it, much like the dressing during Turkeypocalypse. There are death related incidents involving turkeys and descending liquids, but it is instead because these farm turkeys lack the basic survival instinct to seek shelter during a storm, and thus die to the elements and exposure. Way to go.
Adding to the mess that is their gene sequence, some young turkeys won't catch on that they should eat food left out for them and sometimes die from starvation. Farmers do their best to make the food more attractive looking by garnishing it with bits of foil [no shit] or by dying the food green, to appeal to the young turkeys love of shiny things. And sometimes, this STILL doesn't work. They have officially lost my respect as a creature we should care about [not that i was leaning on that fence much] beyond their ability to make us a tasty meal as well as a sedative. I place them right up there with chickens [which apparently don't need heads to operate] and the only animal you can hunt with a hammer, cows.
So, please don't feel any remorse when you bite into your cooked farm-pidgeon this thursday, as apparently any semblance of a creature worth mourning the loss of has left the building.
Penguins: You've got to hand it to them [even tho they don't have hands], they know how to persevere. Harsh environment + inability to fly or do any kind of useful movements = tuxedo bird? Apparently. If i were the entire penguin species, I probably would have given up a long time ago. They have to hold their eggs with their feet?? Or they might die? Wtf is that?
I mean, they are some pretty bad-ass belly sliders upon, but coupled with elite swimming ability in an ocean where everything can eat you does not for an awesome creature make. I think God made them on a drunken bender along with duck-billed platypi and walrus', then decided they should at least entertain him and dressed them to the nines for all eternity. Plus, when you have a documentary done about you with Morgan Freeman as narrator, it can't all be bad.
If I were ever to complete my goal of being an awesome super villain, and I decided to have a base in penguin land, I would definitely train them and keep them as butlers. It would be best for them, and me! I could provide carpets to walk around upon, so if the dropped their eggs, they could just look around, shrug, and pick them back up all Pele style and go about their business. Ahh yes, life would be good....
Lesson learned in this post? If you are sans turkey this Thanksgiving holiday, penguin would not be an adequate substitute. They are way different!
John's Advice for the week: you can sit backwards on the toilet to use the tank as a desk/table/pillow to maximize your efficiency!
Turkeys: Their transformation from wild and wily semi-flying woodland foul to mentally handicapped and frequently suicidal farm-pigeons is both fascinating and horrifying. I know that domesticated animals lose most of their wilder instincts, but the scale on which these tasty walkers change once they are tended by humans is ridiculous. The myth that turkeys will drown during a heavy rain is not true, but has a grain of truth stuck in it, much like the dressing during Turkeypocalypse. There are death related incidents involving turkeys and descending liquids, but it is instead because these farm turkeys lack the basic survival instinct to seek shelter during a storm, and thus die to the elements and exposure. Way to go.
Adding to the mess that is their gene sequence, some young turkeys won't catch on that they should eat food left out for them and sometimes die from starvation. Farmers do their best to make the food more attractive looking by garnishing it with bits of foil [no shit] or by dying the food green, to appeal to the young turkeys love of shiny things. And sometimes, this STILL doesn't work. They have officially lost my respect as a creature we should care about [not that i was leaning on that fence much] beyond their ability to make us a tasty meal as well as a sedative. I place them right up there with chickens [which apparently don't need heads to operate] and the only animal you can hunt with a hammer, cows.
So, please don't feel any remorse when you bite into your cooked farm-pidgeon this thursday, as apparently any semblance of a creature worth mourning the loss of has left the building.
Penguins: You've got to hand it to them [even tho they don't have hands], they know how to persevere. Harsh environment + inability to fly or do any kind of useful movements = tuxedo bird? Apparently. If i were the entire penguin species, I probably would have given up a long time ago. They have to hold their eggs with their feet?? Or they might die? Wtf is that?
I mean, they are some pretty bad-ass belly sliders upon, but coupled with elite swimming ability in an ocean where everything can eat you does not for an awesome creature make. I think God made them on a drunken bender along with duck-billed platypi and walrus', then decided they should at least entertain him and dressed them to the nines for all eternity. Plus, when you have a documentary done about you with Morgan Freeman as narrator, it can't all be bad.
If I were ever to complete my goal of being an awesome super villain, and I decided to have a base in penguin land, I would definitely train them and keep them as butlers. It would be best for them, and me! I could provide carpets to walk around upon, so if the dropped their eggs, they could just look around, shrug, and pick them back up all Pele style and go about their business. Ahh yes, life would be good....
Lesson learned in this post? If you are sans turkey this Thanksgiving holiday, penguin would not be an adequate substitute. They are way different!
John's Advice for the week: you can sit backwards on the toilet to use the tank as a desk/table/pillow to maximize your efficiency!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Maiden Voyage
Things have so many different meanings. The term "maiden voyage" stems from a ship on its first journey after being built, but when you really think it thru, it's nothing more than a giant sexual innuendo. What happens to the maiden after she has completed her first voyage? She is no maiden anymore. She is now an experienced sea-wench. So I guess what I am trying to convey is that this is my blog's first time having sex with your eyes, so..... be gentle. And remember, if my blog says no, it means NO! [but really it means yes]
A-Hole In My Head: Possibly just that you need another blog to read like a person needs another hole in their head? [excluding awesome piercings] Or maybe it is a hole, or window, into my head, showing you all the disastrous awesome things that go on in there. Or maybe, just maybe, there's an asshole in my head that really wants to get to the outside world. Or maybe it's all of these things, and more! Maybe if you keep reading, something profound will happen. Possibly the answers to all societal problems lie within. Possibly it's all rubbish. [probably rubbish]
If the answers end up not being to your liking, then you always have the option to indulge in whatever liquor you fancy to effectively "flashy thingy" your memory back to a state in which you never read this blog. Go on, take a Mulligan, you deserve it! We know your brain cannot hold more information than your daily regimen of Reality TV and Pizza Pocket cooking instructions, so you may need to dump these last few minutes. [more for slow readers]
If you wish to carry on, then bravo! We will be discussing such exciting future topics as:
- Penguins, are they really birds, or just well dressed ice monkeys?
- War, what is it good for? [hint: business]
- How cool it will be to be an octogenarian 2062
- The decline of society in relation to the simplification of hats and other things
- What the next fad is going to be after Planking and Owling [my vote is Sporking]
- A Treatise on the expansion of carbon footprinting vs the ability of relevant technology to remain viably sustainable
- Turkeys - why they drown when it rains and how that affects you
Until next time, I will leave you with this advice:
If you like to read comics or graphic novels, just go read them at the bookstore. Short enough to finish in one sitting without looking like a freeloader. If you don't care about looking like said freeloader, just read whole novels!
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